a side-blog to chronicle ED recovery, with the occasional relapse. will be triggering. i am not pro-ED.

pro anas amuse me sometimes. and anger me a lot. i used to be pro ana. i mean, i didn’t say i was. but i looked at pro ana stuff and i looked at thinspo. the start of this blog was like that. i was so in denial, it’s not funny. so focused on “but this will be healthy this time!” and i knew it wasn’t. it wasn’t going to be healthy. it was going to be just as disordered as when i was underweight and cold all the time and got out of breath walking up stairs and my mum kept looking at me with worried eyes and literally asking me if i had an eating disorder. and i lied every single time.

and there are some weird fucking results from being anorexic, let me tell you. most people haven’t heard of gastroparesis. you know what that means? it means your stomach muscles are partially paralyzed. restricting can cause that. it means my digestion is super slow now. it means i can’t have high fiber or high fat. it means i’m supposed to eat several tiny meals throughout the day, not big ones. it means i have to be super fucking careful or i could end up with a bezoar, or an intestinal blockage. it means i’m lucky because i don’t have a feeding tube, and i’m not one of the people stuck on a liquid diet because everything else makes me that fucking ill.

but i still get sick all the time. if i eat the wrong thing. if i eat too much of something. sometimes i get so nauseated, all i can eat is soup for days, because it’s all i can force down my throat. there isn’t really medication that works for gastroparesis. there are a few, like reglan, but even on 4 pills a day, it didn’t work for me. domperidone didn’t work either.

my ex-bf made me eat way back when, so i ended up gaining back weight, but guess what, nothing was fixed in my head. so now i have osfed (atypical anorexia) because i might not be underweight anymore but i’m still fucking sick.

i have recovered to some extent, tho. i still have relapses. but at least, even in the depths of those relapses, i now know my ED won’t fix anything.  it doesn’t fix a damn thing. all it does is make me sicker.

or according to pro ana bullshit, it makes me happy. and ~skinny~. even at my lowest weight, i was unhappy. i wanted to lose more weight. i wanted to be in double digits. i wasn’t happy. i was never happy.

i dunno why i’m rambling about this, i was just reading some anti pro ana blogs and getting angry at the romanticization of eating disorders that pro ana people have, i guess. :/


Would you mind reblogging/liking this post if you post eating disorder (please no pro-ana), depression/anxiety, thinspo, black and white or mental disorder stuff?

Yes, I’m falling back down my rabbit hole and I’m looking for blogs to follow. Please don’t judge me for it - I hate myself for it already and I can’t bring myself to care.

i post eating disorder stuff and sometimes about my depression and anxiety, but that’s it

tags: reblog +

so i’m really poor, right

and a lot of times i’m not eating enough because we can’t afford it, not as much as we should be eating

so i’ve realized i’m falling back into the same old patterns, i can’t tell when i’m hungry anymore, and since my eating schedule also depends on my wife, it’s really hard to stick to any schedule time-wise

and i don’t know what to do :/

i kind of want to say fuck it and just see where the ED takes me this time

only last time i ended up with gastroparesis and i should probably not make that worse >.<

i don’t know what to do when i literally can’t afford to eat as much as i should be right now, and how to deal with the eating disorder at the same fucking time

fuck this

Letting your guard down and lapsing before you can even notice yourself slipping



tags: gif +

Each morning I wake up and I am grateful for the littlest things

I find great pleasure in the warmth of sun on my back
And when I can wake my mother for breakfast

Having a mental illness, and recovering, I have been made aware of the small pleasures life has to offer that I simply did not know about before

And I still struggle, I am often feeling low, but my appreciation is a separate entity

My passion for the smallest pleasures, is my recovery

—Minni Shaer
When your ED convinces you that you don’t have a distorted body image



tags: gif +


Dear self,

Skipping meals doesn’t make you stronger. Not eating doesn’t show restraint. Exercising heavily and starving doesn’t make you healthy. You are not your body, you are not your appearance, you are not other people’s perception of you.

You are stronger than this. Do not give in.

tags: reminder +
the sea always rises
closer to shore
these waves are not your conclusion
they are your introduction.
—M.H. , Drowning


some days I’m all about recovery, and some days my eating disorder makes me hate it. constantly going back and forth with myself in my head is exhausting.

tags: i feel the same +

(Source: findingmyrecovery)



(Source: showingrecoveryispossible)

(Source: myjourneybacktothin)